I remember being in my early twenties dreaming about my future family. Hours were spent wondering who their father would be and how many of them would fill our house. Growing up as an only child, I pictured a full house.
HOW this dream would manifest perplexed me.
My inner voice would whisper, ”You know you’re not going to ENJOY that process, right?”
How could I be terrified of pregnancy?
Why would I have such a desire for a big family?
What’s wrong with me?
Over and over those questions played in my mind. And I never understood the why until, ironically, I was pregnant.
I like being in control of my body.
Being an athlete, people assume you love working out – that you’re anal about what you eat. I wasn’t THAT athlete. But being an athlete kept me in tune with my body. I knew what I could eat and how it would likely affect me. I knew how much or how little exercise it would take to gain fat, tone muscle or drop a dress size.
I know how to whether the storm of a headache. When I have tweaked something, I know approximately how long before I should feel relief. I know when to sleep it off and when to ask for help.
Pregnancy changes that.
I love my personal space.
I LOVE a good hug…but not too long of a hug. I LOVE to cuddle…for a few minutes. I LOVE falling asleep next to a loved one, but I will wake up on the opposite side of the bed. I LOVE escaping to a quiet room and being alone in silence.
Pregnancy changes that.
Pregnancy stripped me of control.
Your body changes in ways you could never imagine. Unanticipated changes means unanticipated reactions and a lack of remedy preparedness. You become a real life science project. One that is poked, prodded and carefully watched. (I’m still wondering if peeing at every doctor’s visit is really a necessity?)
I guess I expected there would be an adjustment period somewhere along the way – that there would be permanent solutions and permanent “remedy found” boxes to check. Pregnancy does NOT work like that.
It is truly a process of rapid evolution. A life, your body, your hormones are constantly changing and you can’t see most of the picture. You don’t get to physically see this life that is cultivating and as a first time mom, you have no perspective…no frame of reference. This can be very difficult for a meticulous planner who tries to anticipate, anticipate, anticipate!
Everyone’s pregnancy experience is different. If you love it, the world needs all the you’s it can get! If it was difficult and grueling, my heart goes out to you. If it’s just not your cup of tea, that’s okay and I feel you.
The trek to the summit varies for everyone, but the view, regardless, is breathtaking.
Pregnancy is a beautiful, complicated, miraculous journey. And Lord willing, I’ll get to do it all again!